fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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