There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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