i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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