I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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