The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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