Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
