once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
