i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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