You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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