My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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