I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
