My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
