those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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