i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
