I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
