I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
