he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
