dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
