I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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