I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my shit smells like andre
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
