corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
