I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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