You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."