someone threw a dead crab at me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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