i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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