so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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