You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
