if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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