Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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