Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
