You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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