Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours