dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
