So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
