I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
