i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
