I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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