I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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