Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
