Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I will pee on everything he values.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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