I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
