It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
