y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
