i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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