I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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