For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
