Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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