I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
