Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
