Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
