Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
