As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
