Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
