you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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