i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
