This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
