i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
