take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
