don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No subtext here. People are naked.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
